A short Magnus, Murder Mystery by
Ladyoftheteaandblood.
Warnings mention of bodily fluids and an old
tuna sandwich. Oh, and one or two really bad jokes.
Mark Peter’s looked around the empty
office and wondered what the fuck he was doing with his life, it was 11.30 at
night and here he was, not romping with his wife between the bed sheets but
finishing off Trevor, the office managers, quarterly reports on productivity, with
only the cleaners for company and they were no company at all.
A cold coffee sat on his desk, It
wasn’t even his, Derek the poor facilities manager had got one and then been
demanded else where before even taking a sip.
Along sides the ageing coffee was a half-eaten
tuna sandwich he’d grabbed for his dinner, which now curling up at the edges and
by that the picture of his wife that glared at him.
Mark had noticed in the last few months
that the credit card bill had an awful lot of items from Love honey, on it and
who could blame her. He only hoped she was playing with her new electric
friends alone.
He drained the coffee which frankly tasted
like shit, took a bite of the cardboard sandwich and returned to his screen.
45 minutes later he was screaming on the
floor, clutching his chest as his heart gave out, while the monsters circled
him.
Magnus hated crime in offices and he
tried to avoid them like the plague but since moving to London England, there
seemed to be no end of them, and here he was in yet another genetic office
space with a dead body messing up the carpet.
These places were all the same, desk
space after desk space, with pictures of family placed around to remind the
occupant just why they were slowly killing their own soul. Plastic bins, coffee
and kettles. Food vending machines and photo copiers dotted around in very
unlikely places. Nobody seemed to have planned a thing in any of them.
And the carpets, oh God, the dull
lifeless looking, matted bits of fabric that covered the floor themselves
covered with years of trampled in grime.
Well this one had a new stain, the
stain of a dead man and the fluids he leaked in his last moments. Not a great
smell to come into, in fact nausea inducing much like the awful lightning these
hell holes had.
Magnus rub his temples, ran his hands
through his mess of hair his, prayed for early release and got to work.
To go with the smell and the awful
lighting, there was a noise in this office that seemed to cloud your thoughts
and was coming from all sides, must be the air conditioning he decided.
“Ok DC Cooper what do we have here?“
DC Cooper had been working since 10pm
yesterday, when his shift had started. It was now 6.00am and he looked like he’d
stepped off the cover of GQ magazine.
Magnus had been up since he got the
call at 5.15am and he looked like his clothes had been slept in, run a marathon,
and most definitely never seen an iron since coming out the packet some years
prior.
“Well Sir, the body was found by the
security guard at 4.45am I was on scene 5.10am and promptly called you, having
expected foul play. The Medical examiner has yet to arrive but will be here
shortly”
So, you don’t know if he just carped it
because of natural causes, most likely tedium in a place such as this, or
someone actually killed him?”
Magnus screamed internally at the
thought he could still be in bed; all be it only cuddled up to Freya his Golden
Labrador.
“Sir if you take a closer look at the
body, you will see why I think it’s not natural causes “
Magnus went closer and observed, then
felt sick. The expression on the dead guys face was far from pretty and most
actors in horror movies would have been proud to make it.
He tried to cover his trying not to
barf, with,
“Do we know who he is?” please say you
have at least found that out. Christ could someone turn the air conditioning
off, the noise was so bloody invasive.
“Well despite the fact we have not
moved the body Sir, we know it’s a Mark Peter’s he is pictured with his wife on
his desk, along with his wallet, mobile phone and some work he was doing and a half-eaten
sandwich, tuna, I think. He was working late, Sir"
No shit sherlock!
“And has somebody contacted the wife?”
why was he asking, he knew damn well nothing further would have been done till
the M.E. got there, and she was just walking through the door, along with a guy
who had obviously got the early am call and was here freshly fallen out of
bed.
“Hi gorgeous chaps what have you got
for me today, a stabbing with the office letter opener or a killing using the
office stapler?” The small rotund lady with the happy disposition and very
twinkly eyes, could be a lot to deal with at anytime of day, early morning
however, you almost wanted to add her to the body count.
“It looks like the guy had a heart
attack, Lucy but what caused it well, over to you”
Lucy looked a tad disappointed but
opened her box of delights and began processing the scene.
“Boys have you noticed how clean the
carpet is around him?” she asked
“That’s it, case closed the cleaner did
it” and Magnus did a dramatic, Im about to leave now, I’m not needed, turn.
This was the point the guy who had
walked in with Lucy, began to speak, his eyes looking anywhere but at the body
on the carpet and his face a very pretty shade of green.
“Um, ..Hello,… I’m the office manager
for this level, Trevor Male, and I have a reason why he maybe so clean around
him” he looked kinda guilty.
“Tell me you didn’t let the cleaner do
a quick once over before we came, out of embarrassment” Magnus asked him
“Well my wife would” Lucy laughed at
him. Magnus glared at her.
“No! however we have the very latest
cleaning system in place and every night the little chaps go around and
clean-up” he smiled almost proudly now, after all they had been able to cut the
cleaning crew by one person because of it, thus saving the company £50 a week.
He hadn’t told the company yet that the out lay had been £5000 for the system
but who cares.
“You have trained animals doing the
cleaning?” Lucy asked about to rant on animal welfare.
“No, we have our Roomba team that go
out every two hours and…….”
He need say no more, as out from the
sides and explaining the awful humming noise that had been getting on everyone
nerves, came the Roomba office dance crew and cleaning team. Ten little disc
shaped robots, that pootled around the office clearing up the crumbs and mess
of the humans throughout the day. They carefully negotiated the space and its
obstacles by means of sensors, so now two of the annoying humming shits, were
happily cleaning around Lucy and her crime scene, kindly removing all evidence.
And the floor manager watched smiling
as his unpaid team did their jobs, like a proud parent, until Magnus shouted
“Turn those Fuckers OFF!”
“Oh ….yes…sorry” now looking somewhat disappointed,
Trevor dashed off across the floor, looked about and then picking up a Roomba
who now actually sounded disgruntled, he turned it over and flicked a switch
and all Roomba’s stopped their cleaning and also that bloody noise.
“It’s all very clever, this little chap
is their leader and he rule’s the timing and…….”
Trevor was cut off by a look from
Magnus that could have killed
“Coffee any one?” and before they could
answer Trevor dashed out still holding the King of the Roombas, in his hands.
“So, having had a brief once over of
our deceased, what do you think we are looking at?” Magnus asked Lucy
“Oh, most definitely foul play
Sherlock, this man looks like he was scared to death but I will know more when
I get to slice and dice later” she grinned
“You have such a way with words” Magnus
told her.
They left the eager DC Cooper to
question Trevor and all his co-workers as they arrived for a much more exciting
day at work than they had been expecting that morning. Cooper had instructions
to regroup at 3pm for the preliminary M.E. report, and any additional info he
may have gleamed. Magnus sent a female officer to break the news to the
deceased family and headed out the office.
With nothing more to be done for the
moment, he decided that such an early start needed a good breakfast and a chat
with a pretty lady and the café around the corner had both.
At 3pm Magnus stood by the side of Mark
Peters body, now with all his internal parts on full view to the world, and a
very happy Lucy humming tuneless music around her kingdom. He was joined by DC
Cooper still not having the common decency to look a bloody mess or sound tired
after so many hours on the job.
“Come on lady spill the beans, what
killed our office clerk here” Magnus asked
“Well Cagney you may ask”
“I just did, now come on Quincey give
us the verdict and solve the crime” Lucy laughed,
“Not that easy I’m afraid, the guy had hallucinogenic drugs in his system and then was scared
to death by who knows what.”
“Oh, come on, please tell me you have
more than that, because if Cooper here gives me one more statement saying
everybody love him blah, blah, blah, I’ll be asking the fucking Roombas who
killed him”
“And they could most likely tell you if
they could talk, because it has to have been done in that office, the drugs
only take 30mins to work”
D.C. Cooper added a new point almost
exciting,
“Sir, one office girl did say that the
coffee on his desk that he had drunk was not his, it had been given to a
facilities manager, Derek Southall who never had time to drink it. It was just
left on Marks desk. If the drug was in there, the intended victim could have
been the other guy”
Cooper looked very pleased with his big
reveal until,
“So obviously you have picked up said chap
and talked to him, yes?”
“UM, No, well not yet, but it’s my next
thing on my to do list Sir”
“Oh Cooper, go home and get some sleep,
you are well over due for it” Magnus was going to add he looked like he needed
it but that was far from the truth,
“I’ll see to finding Mr facilities guy
and Trev” Exit stage left, one D.C.
Lucy stopped her humming and said,
“Hey here’s a silly thought for you,
Morse, ask if the Roombas have a tracking system that record their every move.
You know like you have Strava to record all your daily runs, so you can put it
on Facebook and show all your mates how fit you are. Maybe Roomba’s have a
similar thing ‘look everyone I’ve cleaned two office spaces and a dead guy’ it
could give us an accurate time of snuffing it” Lucy’s turn to look smug
55 minutes later Magnus found himself
back in the land of the dead, or as he now knew it was called, ‘James, James
and James stationers to the offices of the world’ who knew paperclips could
sound so exciting. Well Magnus was most definitely sure they were not, having
been told all about them and other such items for the last 15 minuets by the
first James on the list as they looked for the Derek the Facilities manager and
Trevor who had both disappeared. Also disappeared was the computer on which was
all the Roomba data telling the world were the little round arses had cleaned
that day and every other.
“I’m so, so, sorry detective Magnus”
said a simpering secretary
“Trevor and Derek seem to have left the
building and gone home”
“Actually, Trevor didn’t return after
lunch when he said he’d left something back at the ranch and shot out the back
doors” this came from the office mail guy and general dogs’ body, Magnus should
have questioned him first, office dogs’ bodies know everything and can go
everywhere un-noticed.
“Will somebody then give me his and Derek’s
address’s, and I will go see if I can find them at their homes” Magnus implored.
Trevor was the first house on the list,
as expected a 50s semi with a perfectly kept garden and cute stone dog on the
door step. Magnus decided at this point that death by boredom, was not to be
ruled out. The door bell of course was Westminster chimes which Magnus got to
hear three times as Trevor didn’t answer. Magnus stepped over the flowerbed and
peered in the front window. Having seen what was on the font room carpet he
called for backup.
Once the A team had broken in, Lucy set
to work on her new crime scene and Magnus tried to forget the look on, now
dead, never to work a paper clip again, Trevor.
Just like their morning crime in the
office, Trevor was very dead on the carpet with a look of terror on his face,
which in turn could scare to death anyone else with a dodgy ticker who saw it.
Just like their morning caper, the
floor around their victim was spotless because Trevor had his own Roomba dance
team that had helped the perpetrator clear up the scene. However, in the
kitchen Lucy and her team had found two coffee cups and a packet of open
Hobnobs, suggesting Trevor had a guest just before he died.
“what’s to betting we find drugs in one
of those cups, Sherlock?” Lucy asked Magnus
“Watson your powers of deduction never
cease to amaze me, anything else to nail our criminal. Like to start with what
the Fuck scared him, or are we looking at death by Roomba and where the hell are,
they? because I can here the little shits humming but where are they hiding?”
He looked around the room almost expecting them to shoot out and attack him.
“In answer to your first question, anything
could have scared him because if he had the same drug in his system as the last
guy, an ant running across the floor could do it as the drugged victim could
see a giant ant attacking.
The second question, well they are
under the quaint 1950s sideboard over there ready to ponce on you” and she
giggled as Magnus shot around to look.
Now feeling very stupid Magnus quickly
asked the next question,
“Did anyone find the missing lap top?”
A resounding no, came as the response.
“So Im guessing that our mystery guest
and possible killer wanted what was on it”
“Well done Jessica Fletcher, you will
solve this one yet” Lucy laughed
Magnus looked at his watch 7pm and he
still had to find Derek who could be the next victim or possibly their killer.
Driving off from Trevor’s house, he
stuffed the last of a half-eaten mars bar from his glove compartment, including its
attached fluff into his mouth and hoped the sugar rush would give him some kind
of insight into why Trevor and his office buddy were murdered.
Derek’s house was no better than
Trevor’s in fact his had added gnomes, which frankly gave Magnus the creeps, as
they were all turned to watch you as you walked up the path.
The door bell was worse as this played
green sleeves in 80s electric style but it was answered and there was Derek
He stood on his door step in a beige
thick knit cardigan and nylon slacks. A receding hair line which he had tried
to cover with an obvious comb over, thick framed black glasses, and once seen
never forgotten, tartan slippers.
When
Magnus introduced himself and why he was there, Derek ushered him in to a front
room from a bygone era. Pattern carpets, terrible wallpaper and antimacassars on the chairs he then shuffled off into his
kitchen to make Magnus a tea he didn’t want but felt somehow powerless to say
no too.
The guy moves like he’s 80 Magnus
thought and he can’t be more than ten years older than me, if that’s what
office life does to you, I’m never going there.
Derek shuffled back in with a tea tray
neatly laid complete with linen cloth, delicate china tea cups and plates. You
were lucky to get a clean mug in Magnus’s gaff.
Derek poured as Magnus outlined the
details that he needed him to hear and asked when he last saw the now very
deceased Trevor.
Trevor and I had a brief chat about the
Roomba’s and the office bins which for the third time that week had not been
emptied, yesterday afternoon before I was called away by Gerald in accounts to sort
out why the bins had not been emptied that day in his office, and then it was
on to Paul in sales because one of the Roombas was making a very funny sound
and his loo was block, that’s Pauls loo not the Roomba, they don’t have them”
and Derek started laughing in little snorts.
“I thought Trevor controlled Roombas he
seemed very proud of the fact?”
“Oh, was he! Well Trevor didn’t even
come up with the idea I did. Im the facilities manager and I deal with all
cleaning, air conditioners, waste and washroom-stoke-Kitchen maintenance. He
pitched my idea to the gentlemen at the top and got all the credit for it,
which to be honest is typical Trevor…or was” Derek had gone red in the face and
took a large sip of his tea before asking Magnus,
“Biscuit?” in a tone no one would
refuse.
“Thing is Derek, the laptop with all
the Roombas movements on has gone missing and could give us time of death and
maybe tell us a bit more, Magnus took a sip of frankly the worse tasting tea
he’d ever had. And Derek smiled at him as he said smugly
“Oh dear, I can’t help you there I’m afraid,
that’s all back at the office”
“Yes, it should be back at the office
but its not, as I said it’s gone missing” It was bloody warm in here Magnus
removed his jacket.
The humming noise that had plague both
Trevor’s and the office started up, instantly making Magnus’s head hurt.
“you have Roomba’s Derek?”
“AS, I said, I was the one who’s idea
they were and yes its Roomba time” with that Magnus who was starting to feel
like the world was at a somewhat funny angle and that the pot plant in the
corner was glaring at him, decided it may be time to leave and bring back a
warrant as Derek seemed more than a little unhinged. He text some what
haphazardly, to say he was going back to the station from Derek’s house and
stood up.
Well he thought he’d stood but the
carpet seemed closer not further, and its pattern was more nausea inducing this
close, His head spun and that bloody noise was getting louder.
Derek hadn’t moved but simply sat and
watched him, whilst straightening the antimacassars on the arm of his chair.
Out from the side of the room came the
Roombas in a tight knit group. Derek smiled. When Trevor and Mark had seen them
approach, their minds had turned them into monsters as they got ever closer to
their intended victim circling the idiots.
Derek
had laughed out loud as Mark had shouted and screamed, till his end and Trevor
had stood shaking and wetting himself, before his heart gave out. All aided by
the hallucinogenic drugs tipped in his
coffee, and the policeman in his living room looked set to go the same way.
Magnus now sat on the hideous carpet
heard that bloody humming and turned around to see a sight he was not expecting
“Puppies”
“What?” Derek looked confused
“Oh. Look at the puppies, the little
cute puppies, come on, come here” and Magnus crawled on all fours towards the
Roombas and started to fuss the nearest.
“Oh, you like that don’t you, yes you
do, who’d a good puppy” This was not going as Derek had planned but as long as
the idiot of the police was distracted, he could still make his getaway.
With Magnus very happy with his new
found friends, Derek left his tartan slippers by his chair and shot upstairs,
collected the bag on his bed that he had been just about to load in his car
before Magnus arrived, put on a pair of sensible shoes and going back down the
stairs, went to leave the house.
Magnus seeing Derek with his bag, dropped
the tartan slippers he’d been convinced were kittens and grabbed at the old
grey Hold all, as Derek went passed and exclaimed,
“Leave the dragon here” and pulled with
all his might.
Derek’s hold all was as old as Derek, in fact
it had even been on a few school trips with him and today was the day it
decided to spill its gut all over the carpet.
Lap top, underpants, beige and grey
shirts all hit the deck. Along with drugs in many assorted shapes, colours and
forms. Pills, potions and powders went flying. Derek looked at the Detective
crawling on the ground yelling in Shakespearean tragedy style, over the death
of the dragon and ran out the door, trying to put as much space between him and
the evidence.
Only
to be confronted with D.C. Cooper and backup, and for Derek his days of crime
where over.
Later Magnus sitting back at the police
station with a very large, very black coffee in his hands asked how Cooper had worked
out, he was needed,
“Well Sir last week you spent 30 mins
of your time and mine, moaning at the spelling of my texts and their grammar,
and the text you sent, went to me still at home, not the station and had
terrible spelling. you had to be on something
“AH” was all Magnus replied, he did
still have the mother of all headaches, which is why the sight of Lucy and her
happy disposition, walking in filled him with dread.
“Trust you to be the one who made a
horror movie into puppy patrol, everyone else on those drugs dies of fear, you
would have died of cuteness overload if Cooper here hadn’t have saved you” She
stood in front of him, put her bag of tricks down on a table, and carried on,
“Now I’m here to check you out because
you won’t go to a hospital, I normally only deal in the dead but I can’t see
much difference with you” As she gave Magnus the once over, she turned to
Cooper and asked,
“Is it true that he then screamed like
a banshee as you passed the garden Gnomes, yelling ‘Don’t let them touch me
Mummy?”
Magnus cringed and then looked up to
see both of them grinning.
“You cruel pair. You know we still
don’t know what he did it for, the guy must have just lost it”
Lucy smiled in triumph,
“Nope, he was moving drugs around the country by means of stationary supplies
to offices that never existed. Mark would have worked it out doing the report
he was left to finish by Trevor. Trevor was Derek right hand man and they had a
falling out, most likely over the report.
Trevor was not the smartest criminal on the
block and Derek must have realised that Trevor had left other evidence around
and he had. It was all on the laptop in Derek’s car. Along with the Roomba data
which showed the office and the little dots all together around the body.
“Don’t
tell me, he had the King of the Roombas fitted with a camera and remote
control” Magnus said, hoping there was a small bit of this case he would actual
solve.
“Yes, you could say he had a Roomba
with a view!” Lucy looked awfully smug at her joke.
“This whole case has been like an
episode of Scooby Doo” Magnus stated,
“With the cuprite being the office
Janitor” Lucy said
“And that makes you Shaggy” with that
she gave his hair a ruffle and stuck a thermometer in his mouth
“And I’m not telling you where I
normally shove that!”
He looked very pleased with himself, which was always worrying. So I bravely asked
“OK, what have you done?”
He just looked even smugger, hugged me tight, did a little dance and point blank refused to tell me.
“But Darling” I said
“What if I book something for the same time as the thing, and your lovely plan gets wrecked?” He had to tell me now.
He didn’t, he just looked thoughtful and said it would be fine.
“Cos I’ve got a cunning plan” he said and giggled like a two year old and looked like one to.
“I’m not telling” he could be really infuriating sometimes.
And he didn’t say a thing about it after that. I caught him smiling to himself a lot and when ever I inquired if it was all going to plan, he just smiled and said,
